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The Impossible Dream
There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting high standards for yourself when choosing a significant other, but realistically there are limitations. You sit and wonder why you’ve been single for months or years and agonize on it being everyone else’s fault when it is actually you that is to blame. Take Responsibility!
Never seek Miss Perfect. Seek Miss Perfect for you. Take a long look at yourself. Look at the overall YOU and ask yourself “would I date me?” More often than not, many lesbians tend to be single and constantly chasing the dream of having a woman that is so far out of reach until she’s actually just a dream that will never be your reality. Or you sit and wait for Miss Perfect that comes in the perfect size, perfect shape, perfect intellect, perfect income, perfect mental capacity, perfect complexion…and the list goes on. Remember that We All Have Imperfections!
There are thousands of single women out there who tend to miss each other because rather than connecting with each other they are chasing Miss Unobtainable. By no means is it suggested that you settle for less or become involved with someone that you are not attracted to or evenly yoked with. It is suggested however that you work on being the best you, before embarking on such a great venture.
Let’s have a tough love reality check…
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Miss “The Right Size”: Are you the “right” size? Ever dawn on you that Miss “The Right Size” may be looking for the same thing? It’s like the guy who wants his wife to remain as fit as she was on their wedding day, yet his stomach is hanging over his belt buckle! Beautiful women come in all sizes.
Miss “Well-Educated”: Even if you find her, will you be able to match her intellectually?
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Miss “Perfect Income: This woman has no doubt worked very hard to have the ideal income. If she loses this income for any reason, can you pay all of the bills based on “her” income?
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Miss “Perfect Mental Capacity”: Have you worked on all of “your” issues or are you looking for someone that will help you deal with the issues that you’ve never been ALONE for long enough to work on yourself?
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Miss “Doesn’t Smoke or Drink: Anything done excessively can constitute a bad habit. Are you without “any” bad habits?
The point is, if it is not your “choice” to remain single, there may be a “reason” that you haven’t found that special someone. Walk over to the closest mirror and you’ll find that the reason is that person staring back at you. Standing there in front of you may be “Miss Baggage” or Miss Self-Righteous. Miss Baggage is seeking a partner that will validate her self-worth. She seeks that validation by chasing the dream of finding Miss Perfect. Miss Self-Righteous tends to think that she is the only one in the world who is without fault. She seeks perfection in others so that you won’t notice her imperfections.
Are you honestly able to give physically, spiritually, and emotionally what it is that you are seeking? If you’re the queen of drama, how do you expect to attract someone who is drama-free? And if you’re fortunate enough to have embarked on “yet another” relationship, have you considered for a moment why that one isn’t working either? Here’s a clue as to why….Y-O-U. How can you seek “Miss Honesty” if you’re not even honest enough with yourself to realize that you have issues that you need to work on?
There are no humans without flaws, but there are some very beautiful human beings in the world. Be the best possible “YOU” that you can be. Once you achieve that, you’ve found perfection.
C. Rae ©2005
Lost Connections
Far too often, upon meeting someone we consider to be a potential mate, we loose connection with our goals and dreams. In some cases, we even loose connection with ourselves.
For unknown reasons, your goals become less of a priority. The promotion you worked so hard to achieve is at your fingertips. The long, tiring hours at work, forfeiting those much desired and needed vacations for the past year or so has finally paid off. You know you are at the top of your game; your work and ethnics speak for itself. However, you look up one day and find yourself helplessly in love, with someone who has no goals or ambitions.
What has attracted you to a complete opposite remains to be seen. You know within your heart, this is not the person you need in your life. At any rate, it has been over a year since you had a relationship and you think you will be OK. Besides, you are about to become director of your department, what do you have to loose? In the midst of your relationship, you are slowly loosing sight of your priorities. You think you have the perfect balance of two worlds, but in reality, you are allowing your emotions to override your intellect. That much needed personal life has taken over your dedication to your job performance and your goal of one day becoming a director. Coworkers and superiors have taken notice. On the day you assume you are being promoted, to your surprise and your surprise only, the promotion was given to another employee. An employee who had the same qualifications as you, but in addition, she also maintained her priorities, which included loyalty to the company. Equally as shocking is your new found can offer no consolation. But remember, she is the same individual you allowed in you life, the same individual whom you allowed to consume a valuable amount of your time and above all, the same individual who had not a single goal in life.
Your dream of completing college has become a prolonged memory. Once again, you allow a relationship to interfere with your dreams. You meet someone who is a self proclaimed “Every Woman.” And that, she is! For some reason, you think putting your dreams on hold will show your mate you are putting her first and everything else is secondary. This tells her one of two things, you have no direction in life, or as they say, “you’re a gold digger.” Either way, she is not even slightly impressed. Wake up! Your mate has a degree, makes enough money to support the household without any problems. But it is not about her, it is about you! Think for a moment: She already has a degree, she has a promising career, and a solid direction in life, why would she want or expect any less from you? She has been where you are trying to go, so allow this to be motivation in you fulfilling your dreams. More likely than not, she will provide much needed support, simply because she knows what it takes and would love nothing more than to know her woman has the perseverance to reach and fulfill her dreams.
Nothing is more degrading than loosing connection with oneself. For a reason unknown, some can only attract those who are a complete opposite. The two have no commonalities whatsoever, other than both are lesbians. Instead of leaving the situation alone and possibly settle for a friendship, oh, you try to work it out, but you have no one to work with you. Each time, you allow yourself to endure the negative energy; you loose a valuable part of yourself. You slowly feel yourself deteriorating but at that point, you are too week or ashamed to move on. It is when the one you loved can no longer stand to look at you, that you open your eyes. At that point, in many cases, it is too late.
We all want someone with whom we can give and receive love. However, we should not settle for just anyone who comes along. We must first love ourselves and be confidant with who we are before we can allow the same qualities from someone else to enter into our lives. Take heed to the warning signs. If you know she will not be an enhancement for your direction, as difficult as it may seem, walk away. If she has already reached her dreams, allow her to be your anchor. More likely than not, she will understand the long hours or work or study, the vacations that have been delayed or canceled, and times you feel like giving up. She will still provide you much needed support. She will understand simply because she loves you and has your best interest in her mind as well as in her heart. We all have had depressing moments in our lives, but we need to love ourselves more. We cannot expect someone to give us what we are not giving ourselves. Allow yourself to learn from each mistake or blessing! Love yourself and know YOUR level of confidence. Then and only then are you able to accept love unconditionally from someone else.
Browneyes ©2005
The Chase
Dating and pursuing the person of your dreams can be very trying at times, especially when you allow yourself to be defeated when you or your advances seem to go unnoticed.
Consider for a moment the definition of pursue which is “To follow in an effort to overtake or capture; chase”. Just the definition alone sounds desperate. However, there are some ladies who want to know that they are wanted and don’t want you to feel that you’ve won them over easily. This is the point where only the strong will survive. Even though the mere sound of this woman’s voice may send you in a tailspin, you must remain collected, confident, and focused. If you listen carefully and watch closely she will let you know exactly what you can or can’t have. There is a chemistry projected the very first time you meet someone that if you’re perceptive enough to pick up on, will let you know if there is a chance.
Be creative! Chances are she has heard it all. Dinner and a movie will probably get you a big NO. She can certainly spend the evening with friends and watch a movie at home and have just as much fun. Find out what she “has not” done instead of asking what she enjoys doing.
Taking her to her favorite restaurant is not being creative, you’ve only followed her lead. Doing something different leaves the lasting impression that she experienced something for the first time with you. Keep in mind that if it’s a bad experience she will remember you for that as well!
If you’re still doubtful as to her interest in you, try suggesting that she accompany you in doing something that “you” enjoy. It shows a genuine interest in you and what makes you happy. Whether you realize it or not, she’s actually taking notes. She’s curious as well, but since you’re the one that initiated this “pursuit” you’ll be expected to woo her.
Love and or showing interest in someone is certainly not a game, however, you must live by the rule that if you want something you must work just as hard as if you were trying to win a prize. The outcome could possibly be something that will bring you joy for a lifetime.
There are those who are only attracted to other’s being attracted to them. If you’ve made honest efforts and she still isn’t giving you the time of day, it may be best to walk away. Some are merely looking for an ego boost. Your pursuit of her is actually doing nothing more than making her feel better about herself. This may appear to be a very confidant self-assured woman, but she could very well have very low self-esteem. Don’t think for a minute that because you think she is beautiful, that “she” thinks that she is beautiful. If she relies on others to validate her self worth, she is not worth your time.
Remember that you are worthy of having the very best. You really don’t have to look for love. It has its way of finding you.
C. Rae ©2005
Something About Love
True love endures forever. It may be cast aside for a fleeting moment, or possibly masked in hurt, anger, and sometimes guilt.... but if you've truly loved someone, you always will. One look in to her eyes, or the sensation of her gentle touch, and you know within her, and between the two of you, is where all of your happiness lies.
Life brings about lessons. Surely as slumber creeps, the next day lends hope and needed forgetfulness to that first of many tear drops...and dreams of what could have been, what should have been, and what the future possibly holds for the two of you. From the twinkle in her eyes to the lyrical swirl of distant laughter, she is embedded in your existence. She is out of your presence physically, but your mind will not allow her presence to disappear completely. She’s always with you. She lives in your heart.
Hurt becomes the end-product, but it also brings about growth if tempered with the challenge of self-love and our determination to resume routine.
Thoughts of her...the way she walked away from the car, that familiar way she grooved to good music, or the way she would lean her head against you while watching a movie, may be the last thing you want to think about.... however, love cannot be starved with denial, as love is its' own greatest reward. The course of the day lends recollection of her face and form, the dizzying highs, loving, feeling, the way her eyelashes swept across her face as she whispered “ I love you”, never ever being close enough, like the river that cannot find the sea. She not only lives in your heart, she resides in your soul.
Some quickly drift towards other relationships...finding lovely distraction in another's arms. Therein lies what the heart truly feels.... and knows...she cannot be replaced. You have only allowed another to "rent"her space. This lease however is short term. You should not hang any pictures just yet. Do as you will, but soon your lesson will become clear: Feel the hurt alone, casting aside those actions that hide the emptiness that so often rises to the surface when least expected...feel the hurt...and exhale...always remembering that today's solitude brings about tomorrow's clarity.
Love at times is felt so deeply until it causes fear. We are sometimes afraid to be with someone because we stumble upon the realization that we love another so much. We are afraid that we may be hurt, so we find it easier to be with someone that we don't necessarily love. It may be a safe place, but love doesn't live there.
Once in this lifetime, we should be forever grateful to experience that unforgettable kind of love...so sensitive and in tune with that which eludes the spirit, sight and soul...a love supreme.
A "relationship", even though there is love may have imperfections. Through all of the imperfections there is still an overwhelming connection. The imperfections are commonly known as growth. It does not mean that you are growing apart. It means that you are becoming one. Just as in the case of a transplanted heart, when your heart begins to live in another’s body, it may take some time before it beats without difficulty.
Yes, love is sometimes foolish, it provokes anger, and it will make you say things that you really don't mean. To think back before that hurried Saturday, the misunderstanding we never finalized and that long awaited call which never came. Did we read the script? Did we try to walk in the path of understanding? We gave in to frustration and allowed negative elements to overcome us. We failed at communication….a lesson learned.
Love is sometimes irrational, but it should not have fears or regrets. Just as gold is tested in fire, love will be perfected in pain. The greatest part of loving is that it can be repaired. That is of course, if there is still love felt by both of you. She must love you as you love her.
Where there is true love, there is no doubt. Where there is love there is a sincere admiration and respect for one another. We are best friends with no boundaries. Your heart must be placed in the hands of the one that will handle it with care. Someone who loves you unconditionally...someone who is truly ..your friend.
If you have love, true love, undying love, wake you up in the middle of the night because you're thinking about her kind of love. Turn around because you smelled the kind of cologne she wears kind of love. The kind of love where she is the first thought when you wake up and the last at night. Everything else is irrelevant, because love, true love, truly conquers all.
There is definitely something about love that will stand the test of time.
C. Rae (c) 2004
Suggested reading "Josephine", "I miss you", "Running", and others.
Go to http://www.sistahsforsistahs.com/poetry.asp
Safer Sex In The Lesbian Community
HIV and Aids are actually on the rise in the lesbian community, when just a few years ago we were one of the safer groups.
Last year a 20 year old woman in Philadelphia tested HIV positive and doctor’s found that she had contracted the disease from her female lover. They had shared toys during sex and the female lover was bi-sexual and HIV positive.
Being a lesbian does not warrant careless sexual behavior. If you were having sex with men chances are you would be practicing some kind of safe sex, so being a lesbian doesn’t mean that safe or safer sex is not necessary.
Everything that looks, smells, or even tastes good is not necessarily good for you. It can actually be deadly. Do you honestly think that the kinky little things she’s doing to you in bed, she didn’t do with her former lover? Of course she’s done it before, that’s why she’s so good at it! And what about her ex? Didn’t they break up because the ex cheated? Well congratulations! You have managed to sleep with at least a dozen people in one night. Your lover, her ex, and the person the ex cheated with, and the list goes on. Did you ever stop to consider any of that before you decided she was someone you wanted to share a bed with?
Female-to-Female transmission of HIV is very real. Vaginal secretions and menstrual blood are potentially infectious and mucous membrane (e.g., oral, vaginal) exposure to these secretions have the potential to lead to HIV infection.
We tend to think that gay men are the only ones that are sexually promiscuous. If that was ever the case it is certainly not the case any longer. How many women do you actually know that have been in long term relationships? And if you do know of some, how many of those have actually been faithful throughout their relationship?
It only takes one time, one encounter, one foolish decision to ruin your life completely. We all want and need intimacy and sex at some point, but it’s not a bad idea to go with your new perspective partner and get tested prior to your encounter. Even then you can’t be 100% certain that something won’t surface later from the past, but at least you’ve taken a wise step in possibly saving your life as well as someone else’s.
Grant it, HIV is the STD that kills, but there are others that you should think about as well before your next rendezvous. You would probably not eat a plate of food in the dark that a stranger offered you. Some are however, munching on things in the bedroom that they have no clue as to where it has been prior to you. There are many who change sexual partners with no consideration of what they may be getting themselves in to.
Here are a few things to consider….
Bacterial Vaginosis: Gray to yellowish homogenous discharge, sometimes with a fishy odor, sometimes causing vulvar &/or vaginal irritation.
Chlamydia: Usually no symptoms. Sometimes slightly increased vaginal discharge, spotting, burning with urination, abnormal bleeding (especially after penetration).
Gonorrhea: Usually no symptoms. Occasionally, vaginal discharge—often yellow or yellow-green—and painful urination can occur, as can abnormal bleeding, especially after penetration.
Hepatitis: Often no symptoms. If symptoms do occur may include yellowing of skin & eyes, loss of appetite, nausea, stomach pain, extreme tiredness.
Herpes: Small blisters on the vulva, often painful, are classic, but at least 90% of people infected with HSV-2, which causes the majority of genital herpes, do not know they are infected. Itching is a common symptom. In the initial episode of HSV, symptoms can include painful/difficult urination, fever, swollen lymph nodes, and flu-like symptoms.
Pelvic Inflammatory Disease: Mild to severe abdominal pain, back pain, may have fever, nausea, bleeding between periods, pain with sex, vaginal discharge. Some women have no symptoms.
Scabies: Itching, especially at night. The first time a person gets scabies it takes 2-6 weeks for the itching to start. The second time a person gets scabies the itching starts in 1-2 days. Scabies can mimic other skin rashes and look differently on different people.
Syphilis: 10-90 days after sex a painless single sore appears in the area where contact was made. The sore "chancre" usually feels hard at the edges. It does not hurt. It can look like herpes, warts, scabies or hemorrhoids. The sore is very contagious. After 2-6 weeks the chancre goes away. If untreated, 6-8 weeks later, the second stage begins in about 30% of persons. Symptoms can last from 2 weeks to 6 months and include swollen lymph nodes, rashes, or a flu-like feeling.
Trichomoniasis: Often causes foamy discharge with foul odor, but symptoms may be absent. Painful urination, itching or irritation is sometimes present. If symptoms occur, they usually occur 4-20 days after infection but can begin much later.
Yeast Infection: Burning &/or itching of the vulva, vagina; thick white discharge with cottage cheese appearance; possible yeasty odor.
Please think wisely before quickly leaping at what outwardly appears good for you.
C. Rae © 2004
KEEPING THE NEGATIVE FORCES OUT OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS
It is very important to have healthy relationships with friends and family members outside of the relationship with your lover; however, it is equally as important to keep the forces out of your relationship that are not positive ones.
There is much to the saying “Everybody isn’t happy about your stuff”. And if you appear happy and content in your relationship with your partner there are those who become so envious that they will stop at nothing to destroy it. We all feel the need to have that friend or family member in our life that we can confide in when things aren’t so perfect at home. A real friend isn’t judgmental of your partner, nor will a real friend add to your drama, by making you feel worse than you do already. People who really have your best interest at heart listen and offer a shoulder to cry on if need be. When you hear the sentence that usually begins with “Girl if it were me”, you may want to think twice before listening to this advice.
As much as we hate to believe it, there are some that are happy to see you down. There are even family members that will discourage you from being with the one you truly love. No one truly knows what goes on in your household except you and your partner, but when you take it out of your house in to the ears of others, negative energy creeps back in to your home, and could very well destroy it.
Chances are you will never find the perfect relationship. What you can find is someone that is perfect for you. It takes patience, understanding, trust, and a firm commitment from both of you to make it successful. If you expect fireworks every night, then you may be disappointed. A new relationship is always exciting. We’re trying hard to make good impressions and capture each others heart. But you must be up for the challenge of making this your forever. Stay positive as well as prayerful. Be realistic enough to understand that there will be ups and downs. Choose your battles carefully and know that her having a bad day doesn’t mean that the bad day is because of you. Find a way to entertain yourself during those times. But this is not the time to spend in negative situations with negative friends or family.
We’ve all encountered the friend who has never had a stable relationship in her life, but can give you advice on yours. The couple who have been together for a few months and now feel that they are experts on how you should run your life. Or let’s not forget the couple who have been together for years and cheated on each other half of that time, but know exactly what you should do in your relationship. Then of course there is the family member who doesn’t have a clue. The mother or father that would rather see you with a man if given the choice, and is always there to offer advice on how you should leave your girlfriend. Can your heterosexual parents really give you an unbiased opinion on how you and your household should be run? Grant it, relationships are relationships, but we must admit our situations are a bit different that those of our parents.
Your relationship should consist of two people, you and your partner. Adding to that will only cause problems. Surround yourself with positive energy. Seek other couples who are actually happy and in long term relationships to have as friends. Most of all trust your heart and your own common sense. It’s a fool proof way of keeping the drama out of your home.
C. Rae © 2004
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The Woman Scorned
Normally you are a very rational thinking person. But you’ve been hurt, lied to, cheated on, and overall have your feelings hurt. You are wasting precious time planning and plotting ways to “get her back” for all the grief that she has caused in your life. You feel as though the time you have invested in your relationship with her has just gone down the drain and you feel used and betrayed.
All are very normal feelings after being hurt, but don’t let those feelings turn you in to someone who you aren’t. Channel this negative energy in to something that is going to be beneficial to you instead of something that will cause you shame in the future. What you are actually doing is giving this person control. The focus has gone from her, the person who hurt you, to you, the crazy person that is slashing tires, tearing up the house, and making hang up calls in the middle of the night. Now all of a sudden you’re viewed as being the bad one.
Just as in any other aspect of your life, you have to learn to deal with rejection. Our creator has a way of removing people from our lives that we don’t have the courage to remove ourselves. Count your blessings and move on. Your good character should not be tainted because of the actions of another. The hurt will go away once you allow the swelling to go down. Allow yourself the opportunity to heal.
And something for the person who is agonizing about the fact that your ex is crazy and won’t leave you alone. A word to the wise…if you stop taunting her, she may go away. You’ve told her that the relationship is over, but you’re still calling her too! Why add insult to injury? Or do you need to hear her constant crying about how she still loves you to make you feel worthwhile? If you’ve moved on, then do just that…move on! Allow her to find the happiness that she deserves.
Whether you’ve been rejected by love, family, or career, the same applies. Situations change and you have to learn to change and adjust as your situation does. Start by embracing the people who do love you. The family member who does understand you, the company that wants you to work for them. Stop chasing the one that doesn’t want to be chased.
Suggested Reading: “Who Moved My Cheese?” By Spencer Johnson
C. Rae © 2004
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