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Dear Diva,
I have been involved with my girlfriend for 3 years and our sex life is not like it was in the beginning. She says that she still loves me, but I want to make love and she doesn’t seem to want it anymore. My first thought is that she was cheating, but she says that she isn’t and I don’t have any reason to believe that she is. I just don’t feel desirable anymore and I need her to pay me more attention in the bedroom. I am just at a loss.

Dear At A Lost,
Without knowing the full story my best advice to you is to MAKE yourself as desirable as you possibly can. Sometimes we get comfortable in our relationships and rely strictly upon the fact that love will conquer all. It will, but you’ve got to work on it. You should make yourself irresistible in and out of the bedroom! You can’t nag her all day and then put on that not so flattering sleepwear and expect her to be moved when it’s bedtime. Instead of your first thought being “she may be cheating”, you should be thinking, what can I do to make myself more desirable. Start the flirting early in the day. Make sure she is content and happy. Stroke her ego…..call her throughout the day and let her know that you love and miss her. Let this be a day without drama. Lighten the mood! Make the bedroom look picture perfect and romantic, by lighting candles, changing the sheets and put on that perfume that she likes on you. Style your hair as if you’re going out on a date, play some nice soothing music. Make her want you, and chances are…..she will.

Dear Diva,
My girlfriend is the aggressive one in the relationship, and I like that, but she has a problem with me touching her “down below”. We have been involved for a year now and she won’t bulge when it comes to that. She says that she is satisfied with just strapping on and has no desire for me to do that. She even said that if I were a REAL LADY I would not want to do that. I love her, but I want to explore all of her.

Dear Angela,
Hmmmm, sounds like your partner is lost back in the Stone Age. Now grant it, everyone doesn’t like penetration, however, you’ve been with her for a year and haven’t even touched “it”. I would be a little concerned at this point as to what is down there!!! In all seriousness, there are Studs, AG’s, etc., that feel that it is more “manly” if they are doing all of the work. Touching them “down there” tends to remind them that they are still women. I think that it is unfair of her to say that you aren’t a lady just because you want to be uninhibited sexually. Maybe you should remind her that you have desires as well, and those desires consist of wanting to have all of her, not just the portion that she wants to give to you. Unless you resolve this issue, it is a potential disaster waiting to happen. Remind her that there is life behind the “strap on”. And if she gives you the opportunity she may find there is something you have to give her that she may actually enjoy. Take things slowly with her, and don’t push too hard. Old habits are hard to break.

Dear Diva,
I love my girl, but I really messed up. I cheated on her and now I feel so bad. I can’t even look at my girl without feeling guilt. We were having problems and I went to someone else to talk to them about it. The other person gave me comfort, and before I knew it, we were kissing. From there it went to the bedroom, and you know the rest. After it was over, I felt like sh**. I took a shower and went home. When I got there my girl apologized for the argument we had and gave me a big hug. In the meantime old girl that I had just left is calling me on my cell phone to see if I got home okay. Do I tell my girlfriend what happened?

Dear Bad,
This is a tough one. I DO NOT condone or support telling a lie. You really have yourself in a jam here because you allowed yourself to get caught up in a night that you really didn’t want to happen. Because you claim to love your girlfriend, you may have to love her enough to let her go. This will hurt her deeply. There is a very good reason why you should tell her you cheated and it’s called SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES. It’s not fair to her for you to have shared such an intimate part of yourself with someone else and then hop back in to bed with her as if nothing happened. She should have a choice at this point as to whether she wants to continue sleeping with you or not. There is life after cheating, and if she loves you, there is a possibility that she will forgive you and proceed with the relationship. But if you lie to her, there is a chance that she will NEVER forgive you. Not only that, did you think of what you may be bringing home with you? A shower won’t kill germs! You’ll also need to break ties with the other woman. Tell her that her ADVICE is no longer needed. There are some who prey on people who are in committed relationships. Chances are she has wanted to give you more than ADVICE all along. If you REALLY love your girlfriend, be prepared to do whatever it takes to make her feel secure again. It will take much work, patience, and understanding, but it is not impossible.

Dear Diva,
My partner is not good at oral sex, but wants to do it to me all the time!! I just lay there and stare at the ceiling. We have been involved for a few months and I have to fake it. How do I tell her cause I ain’t satisfied?

Dear Ain’t Satisfied
Since your girl obviously doesn’t have a clue, you may want to simply tell her that she needs to “sharpen her skills”. There is really no easy way to say it other than to just say it! You made your mistake by faking it. Now she thinks she’s doing her thing, and she really isn’t. Be honest, and most of all be verbal. Let her know exactly what and how you want it done.

I recently discovered the website sistahs4sistahs while searching for
social groups for African American lesbian women and I am so happy this forum
exists. I was even more excited to discover you Diva. I could not wait to
write you for some much needed professional advice. My partner of 4 years
recently ended our relationship, it's been 8 months. After she moved in
with me we lived together for 31/2 years. I maintained the finances while
she went to school, I stood by her through baby daddy drama, upgraded my
one bedroom to a two so the baby could have a room, and even co-signed the
car that she currently drives so she could have transportation. She
revealed after all we've been through that she could not "handle this level
of commitment". Well she left with her son who is now four, who I've
helped raise since birth and now rents a room at someone's house. She told
me she needs to work on herself, but every now and then I'll get those late
night calls with the "I love you"', the "I miss you", and even a "I know I
made a mistake" but no discussion of getting back together. I feel like I'm
in an emotional purgatory because one day I hate her and the next I love
her. Her son remains in my life because we have made arrangements but
I can't even focus on a new relationship because I keep holding on to the
past. Although my ex knows how I feel about her I need someone that can love
me full time. It feels like she wants me around when she has nothing else
to do but any other time her friends are her priority. I recently met a
great woman who I am getting to know and am truly attracted to but my heart
still feels for someone who crushed it to pieces. How does one get over their bruised ego, and broken heart in order to open up the door to love again?????

Dear Emotionally Tormented,
How do you get over your bruised ego? First you must let your ego go. It is not about your ego or pride. It is about you finding happiness-your happiness. If you aren't happy with the situation with your ex then it is YOU that must do something about it. She has told you that she is not ready nor wanting the same committed relationship you are seeking. She has even shown you this by moving out. As hurtful as this may be for you, you have to come to terms with it and you have to accept it. Until you have accepted the fact that it is over you will not be able to move on. You will be stuck waiting on her to hopefully change her mind and come running back to you. Four years is a lot of time YOU have vested in this relationship. You took on some major responsibilities by being the care taker for both your mate and her child. Reality is, those things don't keep a person from leaving you. It has been 8 months since the breakup and you are still confused about what to do. You stated she has not mentioned getting back together but every now and then she calls saying she misses and loves you. Are those calls worth you standing still? Of course she may miss you and yes still love you; however, the key is she is not wanting the type of relationship you are seeking. That is the bottom line. Your next action should be getting to know yourself, loving yourself and if forgiving yourself is necessary then that too. Whatever it is that you enjoy, start doing those things. You also mentioned you met someone new. That is wonderful, but before starting the engine, make sure you are completely done with your ex. It wouldn't be fair to this new bystander to get burned by your still flaming fire. Listen to your inner self and take all the strength you have and let that old news go. Start your life new and fresh and enjoy what comes your way. Each time you allow those phone calls to confuse you, you are standing still. Move on to happiness and happiness will follow.

Dear Diva,
I have met many women, but I can't seem to get past "the friendship loop." I am such a good friend to women but I can't seem to get things to the next level. What should I do?

Signed,
Always a friend, never a girlfriend!

Many women find themselves in your position. It's not such a terrible thing to be a good friend, as that is the foundation for a strong relationship. What you need to do is focus on women who will actually see you as something more than a friend in the future. Women seldom hide their feelings. You know from the moment you meet someone if there is a mutual attraction. If there is no attraction on her part you will probably always be just a friend. While sometimes we tend to "develop" an attraction for someone, initially there are signs from the beginning.

Dear Diva,
What do you do with a 13 yr relationship with alot of medical problems that you've overcome, but you now feel second to a animal and your friend is in denial about that animal? We've talked and talked but nothing seems to be changing.

Dear Toyeggie,
My understanding of what you are trying to convey, is that you have had medical problems for 13 years, and now you've overcome them. Now that you've overcome those problems you feel that you are second to the pet. With the information that you provided, it sounds as though due to your illness, for emotional support your lover/friend found companionship in the family pet. Sounds like you feel as though instead of taking you for walks the friend/lover still takes the dog! Or prefers playing with the cat. Whatever the case or whatever the pet, 13 years by any definition is a pretty long time. If your friend/lover stood by you through your illness all those years that shows that they really must have a good heart and most of all they care about you. I think you should consider what could have happened. They could have sought emotional comfort from someone, meaning another lover and not the pet! It seems that just as she stuck by you with patience, you should allow her to slowly come back to you. It's probably a big transition having you to do things with now that you're better. The attachment is only to a pet! Now if there is more to this "attachment" to an animal, of course I would suggest that you pack your bags and RUN! But based on what you've said, it appears that the person loves the pet and you too. Be happy that you're loved, and that you have someone in your life that loves animals as well. Sounds like you have a very compassionate person in your life. Take care, and whatever your illness may have been, I'm happy to hear that you are better!

I have recently got out of a relationship with my partner because I was not ready to "settle down". Other issues applied to the break up such as a disapproving child, an hour and a half drive, and financial instability between the both of us. I loved my partner and cared for her very deeply. She decided to leave her husband, who at many times made things difficult for us. He has their now ten year old daughter and is manipulating her thoughts on me so called taking her mother away from her. I think that my decision was appropriate to the fact that she needs to establish a relationship with her daughter without me being there. Was there any other way to resolve this?

Vonnetta

Dear Vonnetta,
Certainly if you were not ready to settle down you made the right decision. Not only that you mentioned that you both were financially instable. No matter how much love you had between you, it won't pay the bills. So the choice was a wise one.
My honest thoughts on this are that you step away from the situation completely. Your error in judgement started when you decided to get involved with a married woman, whom you say "decided" to leave her husband. Her error probably came in that she did not consider the impact that it would have on her child. I would not worry too much about the husband manipulating the child. If she is a bright child, she will determine when older who loves her and who lies to her. When raising a child in a lesbian environment or any other the child needs to be treated with respect and care. Your former lovers first priority should be her child and not you. Not all, but some lesbians tend to forget when involved that they are actually mothers. They are so busy running after the woman they forget the child. You should encourage her to be there for her daughter.
For you, see this as an experience not a tragedy. When seeking a mate, make sure that you have yourself together first. Then seek someone who compliments that. Someone that can walk beside you and not someone that you have to carry.

This is Lauren and I would like to let you know that I am very interested in getting to know one of your members and I tried to join but it tells me i have to use pay pal and it was not working at the time so I was a little dissappointed...If possible, would I be able to contact a member if I already signed up but did not pay, or do i have to pay? I would like to hear a reply soon because I dont want to lose the opportunity of meeting this member, she is someone I would like to get to know and if it was not for your website, i would have never got to see this beautiful, intellectual young lady....thank you, lauren

Hi Lauren,
Unfortunately I don't personally know any of the members. I am only the advice columnist for the web site.
You have expressed that you would like to get to know one of the members on the Sistahs For Sistahs web site, but you have to join in order to be able to contact this person. I also gather that you have posted your profile, but you didn't join because Pay Pal was not working at the time? Did you just give up after trying and failing?
I hear your "wants", but there seems to be no action behind your desires. I can't imagine Pay Pal not working although it isn't impossible, however, if it wasn't working at the time, I'm sure that if you tried again, you would be successful in your next attempt. You have to ask yourself if you have honestly done everything in your power to connect with this person. If you posted a profile on the site, did you post your picture as well? As fate may have it, if she is a member, she may see you and want to get to know you as well. She may even contact you! But are you just going to sit around and hope she does? It is my observation that there are many ladies that don't post pictures. It sends a message to a person that is reading the profile, that either you lack confidence in what they will see, or you are hiding something! Neither may be the case, but it leaves room for some doubt. If you're not going to post a picture, it is very important that you come up with something that is extremely captivating in your profile. If not, chances are you will be overlooked.
I suggest that you go back and make an attempt to join the site, and contact this person that has captured your attention. While you're thinking about doing it, there is someone, somewhere in the world that will do it with no reservation and much determination. Women love romance, determination, and confidence! She will be charmed by the person who thought enough of her to go after her. Not the person who just sat on the side lines. If in doubt about how to join, check out the frequently asked questions on the site, or go to the area where it says "Yes I want to Join".
Be sure and let me know how it goes with your dream girl! That is, if you don't let her get away!

Dear Diva,
I would like to have a child, but I am afraid to face the embarrassment of being pregnant and a lesbian! I have no desire to have sex with a man, but I can't afford to have it done artifically. My lover almost gets sick at the thought of me being with a man, and so do I, but there is no other way. Besides that, I think that deep down inside, she thinks that this means that I secretly want to have sex with a guy and I really don't. I want to be a mother and raise a family with her.
What can I do to convince her of that?

Dear Feeling Motherly,
If you have to convince her, that is the first problem. If she is insecure, that is her issue and not yours. Your real problem is the fact that maybe her mind is to closed to grasp the concept of your wanting to be a mother. Unfortunately she can't get you pregnant, and that's pretty obvious. I would advise you to gently stress how important this is to you without stepping on her ego. I would not worry too much about being a pregnant lesbian as long as you are a happy lesbian! Pray and ask God for guidance, and remember that YOU and YOUR desires are what are matters. Then consider fi you and your current lover REALLY want the same things in a relationship. You may find that you really don't!

The confusion regarding labels is a societal issue, in other words, Society has created labels, for their own comfort. Stereotyping is a way for people to deal with that which they either have not taken time to understand or refuse to accept, as is. Once a person is defined and categorized, we become complacent with our ignorance and look no further to comprehend the reality of humanity, that in all our differences, we are all the same We just want to be loved and accepted. Which brings me back to your initial concern, in which open and honest communication is paramount. Have you expressed your feelings to your mate? If not, that’s the starting point to the road to understanding and one accord. She may be under the misconception that this is what you want, or she maybe going through an identity crisis, and this is just part of her growth process; in either case she needs your support not your condemnation. Some women have never experienced the joy of being a woman, and all that it encompasses. If you are willing to be open minded and patient, then together the both of you can explore and develop your own personal comfort level with your sexuality, individually and collectively. Help her to explore the essence of her womanhood….but only if it’s worth it.

First, Learn to accept yourself fully- you are the only you that you have. Nobody knows better than you, what your true needs and desires are. You need to understand that you are wonderfully and fearfully made just the way you are. So embrace yourself complete with all the long and shortcomings.

Have you ever noticed how we seem to be much more acceptable toward individuals, who are comfortable with themselves?

Take care of yourself, in the same manner that you hoped someone else would; Ask yourself, if you were in love with you, how would you treat you?

Support yourself in all your endeavors, go to the places you enjoy going. If you meet someone there, that's one more thing, you'll have in common. Take yourself to that cute little restaurant; you know the one you've been dying for someone else to take you.

Create a sense of community; in other words, surround yourself with people who care about you and your life, and are willing to be there for you. Having a community of friends and associates, can in fact, meet many of your needs; What's more, the more your needs are met, the happier you get, the less needy you are, and the more attractive you become. When that happens, the less you'll need a partner. It's a good thing to want to choose a partner, not need one.

Learn to have fun, doing things you've always wanted to do, but couldn't or didn't because your partner wasn't interested. Learn to live in the now of your existence, to be more grounded and balanced, promise yourself to be a better you by making healthier choices and living a healthier lifestyle. Affirm your value everyday. Again, you are the only you, that you have. So take care of yourself!

We all have to be honest with ourselves regarding our likes, dislikes, our desires, goals and dreams. We also have to decide what we are willing or not willing to do, in order to attain them. But more importantly"to thine own self be true."